The Church Enables Lies of Abuse More than Abuse: A Response to Gary Thomas

The Church Enables Lies of Abuse More than Abuse: A Response to Gary Thomas

            Author Gary Thomas recently published an article entitled “Enough Is Enough: Why the Church Has to Stop Enabling Abusive Men.” I find it interesting that he says nothing about abusive women which likely exists far more than people realize. I am responding to his article perhaps from a disparate perspective other than his own. To make a long story short, I was married to a woman who cheated and left me for another man. I later discovered that she accused me of abusing her not only verbally and emotionally but also physically. I was astonished at the magnitude of that lie. I have not remarried since then, but I was engaged for a period of time. It is not the only engagement that has been broken off, but again I was astonished to discover that my ex fiancé told people she was afraid I was going to kill her. In both of these situations, what they said contrasted everything they ever said to me and about me for the entirety of our relationship, and I never gave any indication I would ever do anything to hurt them in any way. After replaying the events of our relationship and considering why they might have said such things and after much struggle with it, I concluded that I was very good to them, said kind things to them, treated them incredibly good even when I might have had more reason to claim verbal abuse, and they were either delusional or trying to save face. Either way, it was wrong. There is not a perfect relationship because there is not a perfect person, but there are some who are more willing to commit than others. In my situation, at the first sign of any significant or insignificant trouble, they bailed. I think this is more common than people realize. This is the approach I am coming from. Gary Thomas’ article might have done more damage than good. It seems to me that more and more the church is not enabling abusive men but rather women who lie about abusive.

The Bible Says It, Not Us

            Thomas makes the point that women need to be protected from grotesque abuse. I would not disagree, and most wouldn’t either. However, he goes on to say, “…if divorce is the only weapon to protect her, then the church should thank God such a weapon exists.” First of all, this concept is nowhere in the Bible. As far as can be seen in Scripture, there are two grounds for divorce. Jesus permits it in the case of unfaithfulness (meaning sexual unfaithfulness), and Paul gives allowance in case of abandonment. Some interpret abuse as abandonment, but that is a stretch with little biblical backup. Some lump lust into unfaithfulness as well which again is a stretch. What Gary Thomas says here is a matter of his very emotional and just anger toward abusers. He rightly feels that way. What he says though is contrary to Scripture. Many of us who view things this way struggle with why abuse is not mentioned in the Bible. Whatever the case, it is not. I will discuss this more later, but this does not mean to support or abuse nor stay in the same house with an abusive spouse. If you disagree with the biblical grounds for divorce, you disagree with the Bible, not those of us who try to obey it. I believe Thomas is wrong in this assumption.

Unhappiness Is Relative and Not Biblical Grounds for Divorce

            Thomas quotes a wife who asked, “So I’ve just got to accept what’s happening in my marriage, right?” I think anyone would answer no to that question, but Thomas takes it a step further by saying, “If the cost of saving a marriage is destroying a woman, the cost is too high.” I would like him to tell that to Jesus Christ who destroyed himself to save a marriage, namely the marriage between the Son and his bride, the church. Christ and the church is the ultimate model for marriage, and earthly marriages are but pictures of that marriage. My ex-wife told me before leaving that she knew she was wrong but that she believed God wanted her to be happy and she should not have to work hard at loving me. First of all, that is nowhere in the Bible. Secondly, there is no biblical concept that God wants us happy except that our joy is found only in him. A big problem is using the unhappiness argument is that happiness is relative. Thomas says, “Jesus said what he said about divorce to protect women, not imprison them.” He derives this from history and the culture of the time. Nevertheless, it is not backed up biblically. The fact is he said it like it or not. It was allowed in that day for men to divorce their wives for very minimal reasons. Jesus clarified and gave only one acceptable reason though. We can either obey what he said or make excuses and try to explain it away. This is not to say that many situations would be difficult to stay in. Most of us would not blame a spouse for leaving some situations, but Jesus made it very clear what is acceptable and what is not. Using happiness as a standard for marriage cheapens what the relationship represents. Any form of unhappiness is not a biblical grounds for divorce.

Women Are Abused: Personal Experience Says Otherwise

            I mentioned my personal experience earlier. Not to discredit real situations of abuse, but in my experience, far too many women make accusations of it. This has not only happened with me but also with other godly men I know, and the fact is that women have the advantage. They are often believed far more than men. For Gary Thomas to post an article like this is to encourage women to exaggerate anything negative thing that happens in their marriage and turn it into abuse to gain the sympathy of those around them. It is a difficult situation for a man who is falsely accused of abuse. I have even heard comments like this: “Maybe you should examine yourself because you either chase after intensely deceitful women or you are an abuser in denial.” If you think through the logic of that statement after what I have said, you realize that opinions are already drawn on the issue and men are at a disadvantage when they are accused of abuse. Fortunately I handled my situations well and people knew better than to think I would ever hurt anyone. I never as much as even raise my voice. Other men I know went through similar situations, and people eventually saw these women for what they were: liars. No one is perfect. However, to exaggerate the truth or even create a malicious lie to save face is incredibly wrong.

What Should an Abused Spouse Do?

            Biblical grounds for divorce is not a mandate. Someone recently disagreed with me on this. In fact, if we follow the example of Christ, we give till we have nothing left for marriage. Christ did not divorce his spouse, the church, even when we rejected him and were unfaithful to him. Divorce too often becomes the easy way out. The tendency is to try to make it seem like everything was tried to work through it, but was it really? Did you give the best until there was nothing left? Usually, no matter how it seems, you did not.

What is a spouse to do if they are truly abused then? This is a very relevant and important question. If there are no biblical grounds for divorce, should a spouse stay in their marriage. I suggest that staying in a marriage and staying safe are two different things. Staying in a marriage does not mean staying in the same house. There are times when a spouse likely should leave and particularly in times of physical abuse. Make sure that you and your family are safe from the abuser. This does not mean automatically file for divorce though. If Christ is the model, make sure you do everything possible to work through the marriage. Whether or not you have is between you and God. Safety is the key issue here though. Leave, but do everything possible to avoid divorce. Sometimes it is inevitable unfortunately, but make sure you honor God in your commitment first and foremost.

Conclusion

            In writing this, I believe Gary Thomas comes from a passionate and concerned perspective. He is concerned for women who are abused and facing very difficult situations and rightly so. I am also concerned for those woman and men who face the same things as well. I am trying to take a biblical approach more than an emotionally driven one though. For those who wrongly left a spouse, there is forgiveness, and Christians should offer it as well. However, the church should not stop fighting for the institution of marriage. It is so important. I do not see the church enabling abusive men but more than that enabling women who lie about abuse. We need to be people of the light and honor the institution of marriage as well as protect those who are endanger. The two are compatible. God is honored when lives are changed and imperfect marriages between imperfect people made whole.

Church, We Are Not God: The Flaws of Gospel Ministers

Church, We Are Not God: The Flaws of Gospel Ministers

            No one is perfect. This is said so often by nearly everyone in our society that it has become just about meaningless to most people including the church. We tend to say one thing but live another; we speak of the grace of God as if it only applies to the best people or who we at least consider to be the best. If we are honest, “the best” is very relative. What is not relative though is all of humanity’s inherent sinfulness and inability to ever choose righteousness apart from Christ. Every single person in existence is equally flawed; no one is better than another. This is truth and fact. Yet we so often forget that this is applicable to even those called to the holy work of God. The common subconscious view is that because one is called to gospel ministry, he or she is exempt from radical and total depravity or that he or she is not worthy of God’s grace if a mistake is made. Nothing could be further from the truth.

God’s Anointed Fight Human Nature Just Like Anyone Else

            The tendency in most churches is to place ministers on a higher plane than the lay member. The truth is, however, that we are just as fallen and wretched as anyone else. We are simply engaging in and accomplishing a task God has called us to, no different from what anyone else should be doing. Paul considered himself the chief of sinners. I personally can relate to that, not as a matter of low self-esteem but as complete realization of where I have been. I am no better (and am probably worse in many regards) that anyone else. This is true for all ministers. God has delivered us from the stench of sin, but we continue to fight through our struggles. It is difficult for many people to think of Christianity as a toil or a struggle. I don’t know where the idea comes from that resisting sin should be easy once we are saved and especially for those who are ministers of the gospel, but it exists. We say often that everyone struggles, but when someone actually does, particularly when they are a minister, we write them off as if they should not have struggled with sin.

            I have seen many ministers fall in my life, and I have been one who fell. Does that negate the fact that God called me to serve him? No. Once I thought it did, but God showed me otherwise. Paul, in Romans 7, says that he does the things he does not want to do and does not do the things he wants to do. Even Jesus himself, in Matthew 26:41, said that the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak. We are in a constant battle against our human nature that does not stop because of salvation. No, it continues and perhaps to an even greater degree because our flesh is constantly being killed and there is an ever-present awareness of God’s work in our lives. For those who struggle, you are in good company. Consider King David. If he committed the sins he committed in a modern context, society would completely write him off and perhaps even apply labels to him thinking that he is not worthy of anything, especially God’s grace. It is not a matter of who is worthy of God’s grace (because no one is), but it is a matter of the desperate need of his grace. Ministers are no different.

We are not super humans; nor do we have special powers or the ability to resist temptation more than anyone else. It is time that people stop placing unrealistic expectations of ministers of God. Trust me; we don’t get paid enough for that. In all seriousness though, we are fallen people just as anyone else, and our sanctification process is the same as anyone else. We go through trials; we are depressed; we struggle; we have angry thoughts; we use bad language; we lust; and we fight through these things, and sometimes we fail. God’s grace is not only for lay members but also for clergy. Let us experience his grace just as you do, and pray for us.

Satan Attacks Those Serving the Lord More

            Satan’s attacks are heavy and difficult, especially for those serving in ministry. It is not that Satan does not attack those who are not in ministry and sometimes just as much if not more, but because the church is the honored and loved bride of Christ, the enemy spends much of his time attacking the church and her leaders, namely preachers of the gospel. This means that often the attacks are heavier and perhaps even more than the typical person. If Satan can win over the ministers, he can live under the illusion that he has defeated the church. Nothing could be further from the church. The church is not built on people or ministers but only on Jesus Christ so the church will stand firm for all time. Satan’s attacks are in vain then, and when God’s people live in the grace and mercy of Jesus Christ, we show it to others including our ministers who make mistakes far more than people expect them to. What a testimony to the world when we actually forgive as Christ forgave and see God working through fallen ministers who are in desperate need of God’s grace just as much as anyone else. Let us be a people of mercy.

There Is No Disqualification from Ministry Except that One Is Not Called to Begin With

            I grew up under the illusion that if someone committed an atrocious sin (which might be very relative to what people consider atrocious), they were automatically disqualified from ministry. I thought this even when I had a great fall while serving in ministry. I became OK with the thinking that because of what I had done, I was now disqualified from ministry. I took some time off from ministry thinking it was permanent and pursued other endeavors till the Lord slowly began to open doors of opportunity for me unexpectedly and without me pursuing them. Eventually I was reminded that when he called me to ministry, it was not because of what I had done. Nothing I had done qualified me for ministry, and nothing I had done disqualified me. Certainly I needed a break, but after struggling through whether or not God could ever use me again as a minister of the gospel, I stopped resisting and came to a point where I trusted God and committed to serving him no matter the cost and no matter what people thought of it. The truth is that there is not a disqualification from ministry unless that person is not called to begin with.

Paul told Timothy that overseers or pastors should be above reproach. The problem is that the interpretation of what that means varies. Some might say that to be above reproach means not having a disreputable past; others might say that the past doesn’t matter but only what one’s life is like after salvation; still others might even say that it is a matter of a repentant heart after one makes mistakes. Everyone makes mistakes; this is a well-known truth that not many would deny. Where is the line drawn then? What does it mean to be above reproach?

            I submit that to be above reproach is a matter of a repentant heart. I say this for a few reasons. 1) God looks at the heart above the outward appearance, and 2) the Greek text in 1 Timothy 3:2 suggests this. It is to the church’s detriment that manmade standards have been placed on gospel ministers. This does not include only educational standards (which I believe are often bogus) but also standards of morality. When dealing with the morality of ministers, there are two things to keep in mind. First of all, our morality must be measured first and foremost and God through his word. This means that no one can truly measure up to being a moral person. Secondly, we must rid ourselves of personal convictions applied using a general scope. In other words, if it is not strictly forbidden or commanded in Scripture, we should not apply it to everyone, and this includes ministers. This is done often in the selection process of a pastor. Sadly standards are placed on ministers that are not only impossible but also have little to no biblical foundation, only personal convictions. God does not look at outward manmade standards. When God selects someone to serve him, it is not because of their character at all, in fact. It is because he desires to glorify himself by using that person in a particular way. This is irrespective of what they have done or even will do.

            The Greek text also suggests a general concept of morality in being above reproach. It, in no way, implies perfection. The morality of a minister is measured against a holy God so we fail every time. Is the minister’s heart repentant though? The church should stop looking at only the mistakes of fallen ministers but look more at the heart of the person who committed the sin. God’s grace is sufficient for all, yet all who receive his grace are recipients of it including ministers. We are not exempt from receiving the grace of God or fellow Christians simply because we serve in such a capacity.

            Ministers are called to a holy task and one that must be taken seriously. Nevertheless, ministers will still struggle and, yes, sin and perhaps even sin greatly. It does not negate the call though. Whether one is called of God or not is between that person and God. Maybe they are; maybe they aren’t. There are surely times when one must take time off from ministry, but the call is irrespective of what has or has not been done. The evidence of God’s work in their life then is found in repentance.

Never Forget God Is Strong in Human Weakness, Not Strength

            A scripture that is so very evident in my life is 2 Corinthians 12:10. Paul, when speaking of his thorn in the flesh, says that God is strong when he is weak. This is applicable to every single person, but we often do not realize it until we experience our deepest weakness. At that point, the mature and repentant Christian is thankful for weakness because then and only then can we truly express God’s abundant mercy and work in our lives. It has nothing to do with us or our ability. What would happen if churches called pastors based on God’s strength in their weakness rather than their abilities? I think we would see more humility among God’s people and, therefore, a greater work. Ministry is accomplished on God’s strength, not our own. If it is our own, it is not ministry, and it is ineffective. Seminary degrees, intelligence, knowledge of original languages, and speaking ability are useless without God’s work in our weakness.

The church must realize that ministers, though called of God, are not God. We are wretched sinners just the same as anyone else, and we make mistakes. Our mistakes are often magnified though. Yes, many of us have fallen greatly, but even in the seemingly smaller sins, people magnify our faults and escalate our weakness. Above reproach does not mean perfect; nor does it mean disqualification after a mistake. Brothers and sisters, we are imperfect, and like you, God is sanctifying us. We will mess up; it is guaranteed. But the Father views us in light of his Son’s mercy. We work and toil just like you. We are in this together. Let us lead with assurance that God is a merciful God and that we all equally do not deserve any of his goodness. In Christ, let us minister and fulfill our calling with your help alongside us.