AS TO THE LORD PART 4: THE SUBMISSION OF CHILDREN TO PARENTS AND PARENTS TO GOD (EPHESIANS 6:1-4)

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AS TO THE LORD: THE SUBMISSION OF CHILDREN TO PARENTS AND PARENTS TO GOD (EPHESIANS 6:1-4)

Finally, in this section of text dealing with the family, the Apostle Paul gives instructions to children. Nonetheless, he does not negate the responsibility of parents in his instructions, for parents hold great responsibility in the development (especially the spiritual development) of children. A godly picture of the family includes all parties in the unit, which surely comprises children. While various ideas exist concerning the age Paul had in mind here, suffice it to say that a child may be considered one for whom a parent is responsible morally, ethically, and legally. Could that appear differently between cultures, societies, and contexts? Yes. Thus, each parent must determine those for whom they are responsible in such a manner and apply this text to those people.

Paul’s words in Ephesians 6:1-4 are positioned around obedience and honor with an overarching theme of doing what is right. The rightness of such attitudes is what constitutes behavior (i.e. Christians obey and honor God because it is right irrespective of personal feelings or sentiments). Furthermore, the God-ordained family structure is dependent on parents and children doing what is right in a broad sense: namely submitting to God by submitting to one another. A key difference in parental submission and the submission of children, however, is that the role of a child includes obedience to his or her parents. Adults do not necessarily have such a charge in every context.[1] From the text, three truths may be gleaned concerning children.

1.      The motivation for obedience is the fact that it is right;

2.      honor is a primary commandment concerning children toward their parents; and

3.      authority brings up, not down.

These factors should offer a supreme example to families as to how children and parents should interact with one another in a godly manner.

 

The Motivation for Obedience: It Is Right (6:1)

The family is a single unit. Where the family unit breaks down, society breaks down, for the family is the institution, which God has enacted to carry his functions and will on earth. The Apostle Paul begins his charge to both parents and children by focusing on the responsibility of children. In a rather simple manner, Paul gives children the instruction to obey parents on a single basis: because it is right (Eph 6:1). As Christians, it should be realized that the overarching reason for doing good is because it is right. Morality is of God and his nature and character; right is who God is, and he is incapable of being anything else. Thus, believers, in imitating Christ, should make decisions based on what is right. Paul offers such a foundation to children (i.e. obey because it is right).

Paul, however, emphasizes a key provision in obedience to parents when he adds “in the Lord” (Eph 6:1). “Its use here is not because the Apostle contemplates ‘the situation where parental orders might be contrary to the law of Christ.”[2] The assumption here is that husbands and wives already live in submission to God and, therefore, seek their children’s best interest. Mindful of the fact that all instructions presuppose a situation where all parties submit mutually to God and then to each other, children are given the order to obey parents, for it is right. What is right supersedes any questions, answers, or reasons for obedience. Even in circumstances where children are not capable of seeing or understanding the reason, obedience to their parents is right. Christian life is verified by obedience to Jesus Christ (John 14:15). Rightness, therefore, is the foundation of obedience. Parents are to obey and submit to the Lord. Children are to obey and submit to their parents.

Paul’s instructions to the Ephesians here seeps deep below the surface of submission to an area that acknowledges what is right. Husbands and wives are to often make decisions based on what is right irrespective of their desire to do so or not. Godly submission requires such thinking and indeed abandonment of selfish desires. For children, doing what is right also requires stripping their own desires from decision making and obeying their parents because it is right despite what the erring heart and mind perceives.

Naturally, people tend to give allegiance to those in authority and especially those by whom good circumstances have been created (e.g. parents who have given life). Children begin life by adhering to their parents’ orders and guidance; husbands and wives live life adhering to God’s orders and guidance; parents also submit to one another and to their children in seeking what is best for others. Godly submission then is cyclic. Paul’s instructions here center around the children’s responsibility. “This law is given to children: since their parents are the enablers of their existence, they are to obey them. The principle is that they reverence those through whom they exist.”^[3] The concept is that God is to be obeyed because he is the one through whom both earthly and eternal life exists. God is the creator; therefore, his people must obey him. Obedience is right because of the Lord’s position as creator and life-giver. The basis for children’s obedience follows the same trajectory, for it is right to obey the ones who have given life and provided for well-being.

In The Voyage of the Dawn Treader, C.S. Lewis tells the story of Eustace Scrubb, who turns into a dragon as the result of his greed and selfishness. After spending some time as a dragon, Eustace encounters Aslan, who tells him to take off the scales. What follows is an excellent illustration of how obedience transforms us, even if it is difficult. Eustace says, “The lion told me I must undress first. Mind you, I don’t know if he said any words out loud or not. I was just going to say that I couldn’t undress because I hadn’t any clothes on when I suddenly thought that dragons are snaky sort of things and snakes can cast their skins. Oh, of course, thought I, that’s what the lion means. So I started scratching myself and my scales began coming off all over the place. And then I scratched a little deeper and instead of just scales coming off here and there, my whole skin started peeling off beautifully, like it does after an illness, or as if I was a banana. In a minute or two I just stepped out of it. I could see it lying there beside me, looking rather nasty. It was a most lovely feeling.”[4] Eustace discovers that he has more layers of dragon flesh to peel off and only Aslan can help him get rid of it all. However, Eustace’s obedience demonstrates his submission to Aslan’s plan. Similarly, we must learn to obey the Lord’s commands, even when the task is quite difficult. Parents are called to obey the Lord in bringing up children; children are called to obey parents as to the Lord.

The underlying motivation for children’s obedience to their parents is the fact that it is right. Parental responsibilities involve ensuring their children become productive adults. Parents then hold the greatest level of accountability. Children may not understand the reasons behind parental controls and demands, but without question, children should obey their parents.[5] It appears as though many believers exclude the religious aspect of the Christian faith (e.g. many assume that Christianity is a relationship with no religious aspect to it). James makes it clear, however, that there is a difference between pure and defiled religion (Jas 1:27) (i.e. religion is necessary but must be pure rather than defiled). Whether realized or not, the religious aspect of the Christian faith requires doing what is right. Whether enjoyed or not and whether agreed or not, Christians are beckoned to live life according to what is right. Children, likewise, are to obey parents because it is right. The motivation for obedience is based on its rightness. Paul’s focus here is children in perhaps the simplest of grounds between members of the family unit. Children are commanded to obey and surely must do so simply because it is right.

Honor Is Primary (6:2-3)

Beyond obedience due to its rightness, children are commanded to honor their fathers and mothers with a reference to the Law’s commandment being the first with a promise: namely length of days (Eph 6:3). The Greek word for honor here is τιμάω (timao), which refers to fixing a value (i.e. to honor one’s parents is to realize their value through action). One’s submission to another then is directly related to the realized value he or she (the one to whom submission is given) holds. When Paul calls children to honor their fathers and mothers, he implicitly calls them to realize the inherent value of parents.

One might consider what precisely is meant by “the first commandment with a promise,” (Eph 6:2), for a promise is surely attached to the second commandment.[6] Various interpretations exist surrounding such a statement. First, since ancient Jewish culture divided the Ten Commandments into two tables of five, the reference to the first with a promise could allude to the second table of five.[7] Another interpretation, however, is that honoring the father and mother is the first foundational principle to be learned by children.[8] Still, a third interpretation is that the fifth commandment to honor the father and mother is a primary commandment of utmost importance[9] (i.e. a child’s development is founded upon adherence to this particular commandment). The essential element in the matter is that honor is primary. Neglect of honor toward parents indicates a fault in the godly development of the child. Without honor, the trajectory of the family unit may shift to the point where it is not salvageable. God has given parents instructions to submit to him and then to one another and children the directive to honor their parents.

Honor is an instruction that holds no bounds or ending. Honor, nonetheless, changes in its application throughout one’s life. Since parents are responsible for a child’s growth and development into a productive adult, once such a point is achieved, honor is not employed as an adult in the same way it was as a child, for an adult possesses a deeper level of independence, autonomy, and accountability than does a child. An adult is no longer under his or her parents’ accountability, for he or she is held accountable on their own. As a practical matter, honor at this level is also less attached to obedience. Indeed, as difficult as it may be, the time comes in every parent’s life when he or she must let go of their children (i.e. it is right to give their children independence). In such cases, to cling to parental power is wrong.

While a child in development is certainly called to obey his or her parents (in the Lord) throughout development, a child[10] in adulthood is detached from the responsibility of blind obedience. Nonetheless, such a person must still honor the father and mother. Honor is the primary command based upon the God-given position of parents and their role in the development of a child, and such a command does not cease with adulthood. Every man and every woman is a son or daughter. Therefore, the instruction to honor parents continuously applies, although with different application in adulthood.

For a child to honor his or her father and mother, he or she must first realize the value God has assigned to parents: a value that is inherent because of their responsibility and position as parents. Failure to understand this value likely results in a failure of obedience and honor and, therefore, the beginnings of the family breakdown. Still, for such honor and obedience to occur, parents must employ submission first to God and then to each other. All parties act on the basis that it is right to do so and proceed as to the Lord. Every family action should spring from submission to the Lord, for everything the believer does should be done as to him. Therefore, for a child to honor his or her parents is to honor God. Honor is primary.

 

Authority Brings Up, Not Down (6:4)

As is the case in mutual submission, not all responsibility lies on one side. Paul finally directs the highest form of authority in the family toward fathers, although mothers could certainly be included in this address, especially in circumstances where the father is not present. Paul likely had both parents in mind when using the word, fathers.[11] The point, however, is that parents are responsible for their children and must consider their job as authorities crucial to their children’s proper development and spiritual growth.

The Apostle emphatically instructs fathers not to provoke children to anger (Eph 6:4). παροργίζω (parorgizo) is the word used for provoke here, which is employed also in 4:21 and Romans 10:19 (quoting Deuteronomy 32:21). “It is right for parents to demand obedience, but there must not be a capricious exercise of authority… Discipline is essential in the home; but not unnecessary rules and regulations and endless petty correction by which children are discouraged.”[12] The overarching concept of parental responsibility here is to bring up a child. Any neglect of submission to the Lord or mutual submission to one’s spouse spawns a propensity to bringing down the child rather than bringing up. The task of bringing up is clearly placed on parents.

Moreover, Paul clarifies that children are to be brought up in “the discipline and instruction of the Lord” (Eph 6:4). The Apostle Paul’s words point to a directive where parents hold the most responsibility in the development of children but not merely development that will make them successful in the eyes of the world but in a way that honors God. If a child becomes an adult with numerous academic and athletic awards but abandons the faith in God, their achievements are futile and wasted. It is surely good to achieve greatness in all that one does. Nonetheless, if parents do not bring up their children in the ways of the Lord, thus, resulting in a child who becomes an adult without a faith in God, those parents have failed in their responsibility. In a society where the world demands much of families and children, parents should demand more in the way of holiness; parents should demand more in the way of godliness; and parents should set an inarguable example for their children that the most important element in life is to honor God and anything else is but rubbish when set against it.

The specific instruction given by Paul is to avoid provocation. The godly way to bring up a child is to model Christlike humility. Jesus led by example in humility and gentleness.[13] Bringing up a child must be intentional. Without intentionality, the child will be brought down (i.e. fall away from the truth of God). Therefore, parents must be deliberate in how their children are approached. While children have the responsibility to obey their parents and parents to discipline their children, everything must be done in love, for in love is the manner God leads and disciplines his own people. With Jesus as the authoritative example of leadership, parents should seek approaches in their children’s development that point them to him rather than away from him. Paul’s instructions, therefore, are not simply to bring up children (for ceasing there is an exercise in futility) but to do so in the ways of the Lord. Anything less is wasted.

Parents exist as the primary authority for their children. Although one’s primary authority shifts throughout the course of life, until a child is an independent adult, his or her parents are authoritative. Parents hold power, which is “the ability to force or coerce someone to do your will.”[14] Children should obey their parents based on parental power. Nevertheless, godly parental leadership also elicits authority, which is “the skill of getting people to willingly do your will because of your personal influence.”[15] Jesus revealed authority and educed peoples’ willingness to follow him. His followers did not question his intent nor motivation, for Jesus held their best interest in his heart and mind. As the model for parental leadership, parents should love their children in such a way that their motivation is never questioned even when there exists tension or disagreement. While Paul clearly gives children the charge to obey and honor their parents, parents (beginning with the father) have a greater responsibility to bring up their children in honoring and obeying the Lord. Children are to honor their parents as to the Lord, which is derived from parents bringing up their children as to the Lord. Godly family dynamics hinge on doing everything as to the Lord.

 

The Toil of Doing Right

An aspect of the faith many Christians fail to understand is the required toil. Believers are called to work out salvation with fear and trembling (Phil 2:12). This means that the Christian life is not a piece of cake but demands toil and strife. When confronted with sin, Christians are to make war, not passively onlook. In family dynamics, submission and obedience requires work, but it is necessary on the solid foundation that it is right. Christians obey God because it is right and doing so reflects his character. Children are to likewise obey parents because it is right.

In these few verses, Paul gives instructions to children regarding the obedience and honor of their parents. Further, he also gives instructions to parents in how to bring up their children with an understanding that a child’s development is the direct obligation of parents. Education is a parental responsibility, not a government responsibility. In all facets of family dynamics, toil is required. Christians should approach such relationships with the expectation of intentional work. Such toil, however, is employed as to the Lord. When the Lord is the motivation for what is done, duty is overtaken by inspiration. One might find it difficult to submit to another human but to the Lord should not be an issue. The toil of submission is real, but its advantages exceed its difficulty. All family dynamics are based upon mutual submission to God and then to each other. Therefore, families should toil together knowing that their endeavors are to the Lord and not to humankind.

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[1] This statement is meant to imply that obedience is not sometimes necessary for adults (e.g. adults should obey their employers and legal authorities).

[2] F.F. Bruce, The Epistle to the Ephesians, in Franci Foulkes, Ephesians: An Introduction and Commentary, vol. 10, Tyndale New Testament Commentaries (Downers Grove, IL: InterVarsity Press, 1989), 168.

^[3] M. J. Edwards, ed., Galatians, Ephesians, Philippians, Ancient Christian Commentary on Scripture (Downers Grove, IL: InterVarsity Press, 1999), 202.

[4] C.S. Lewis, Voyage of the Dawn Treader (London: HarperCollins, 1998), 130.

[5] Surely, obedience becomes disparate as children grow until they can make mature adult decisions. Until then, however, obedience is how children do what is right.

[6] “You shall not make for yourself a carved image, or any likeness of anything that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth. You shall not bow down to them or serve them, for I the Lord your God am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers on the children to the third and the fourth generation of those who hate me, but showing steadfast love to thousands of those who love me and keep my commandments” (Exod 20:4-6).

[7] Foulkes, 169.

[8] Ibid.

[9] Ibid.

[10] Here the term refers simply to the offspring of parents rather than a human of a certain age.

[11] Foulkes, 170.

[12] Ibid.

[13] This is not to suggest that a stern response is not ever necessary, for even Jesus was stern at times (e.g. the turning of the Temple tables) but a firmly gentle approach with the goal of bringing up a child.

[14] James C. Hunter, The Servant: A Simple Story about the True Essence of Leadership (New York City, NY: Crown Publishing, 1998), 30.

[15] Ibid.

AS TO THE LORD PART 3: THE SERVANT LEADERSHIP OF HUSBANDS (EPHESIANS 5:25-33)

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AS TO THE LORD: THE SERVANT LEADERSHIP OF HUSBANDS (EPHESIANS 5:25-33)

In the second part of this series on marriage, Paul’s address to husbands will be examined. Appropriately, as the head of the family, husbands are devoted a greater portion of the text since certainly, the husband holds a greater level of accountability. Paul’s instructions here point to the husband’s role as a leader but as a leader who imitates Christ and, thus, leads through serving, for this is how Christ led his people in his earthly ministry.

Paul’s instructions are explicit: the husband is to love his wife as Christ loves the church. The implicit idea is that Christ gave all for his bride and left nothing in doing so: he gave his life. The husband’s leadership is imperative to any successful marriage. As such, the husband should carefully consider what it means to 1) submit to God and 2) lead his family through serving as Christ has modeled. Paul submits that marriage is a mystery, for the union portrays Christ and the church. The husband then should seek to imitate Christ in how he handles his marriage. In Ephesians 5:25-33, three conclusions may be drawn from the text that revolve around the husband’s role as a servant leader.

1.      Christ is the ultimate model for husbands;

2.      as the church is one with Christ, the wife is one with her husband; and

3.      the mystery of marriage is led by the husband.

These truths resonate in a godly marriage, which is precisely that for which husbands should strive.

 

Christ Is the Ultimate Model for Husbands (5:25-57)

Godly family dynamics are based upon mutual submission in the body of Christ. All parties of the family hold particular responsibilities so Paul circles around to the husbands and not surprisingly devotes more text to husbands than wives since the husband is emphasized as the head of the family (Eph 5:23). In a similar manner to Paul’s instructions to the wife, he offers Christ as the model for godly husbands. The crucial element in submission to anyone is submission to Christ. “The chief threat in submitting to another person is the fear of being manipulated or mistreated by that person. There is no such cause for fear with Christ; his is tender guidance, not raw authority.”[1] Such is the underlying reason submission to one another is subsequent to submission to Christ.

Paul focuses primarily on the role of husbands in loving their wives out of obedience to Christ. Without excuse, the husband is charged to love his wife as Christ has loved the church. There subsists no shortage of implications in such a command, for Christ spared nothing in loving the church, even offering his life as a sacrifice on her behalf while she rejected him (Rom 5:8). “[John] Chrysostom [(c. 347 – 407 AD)] puts it, ‘Hast thou seen the measure of obedience? Hear also the measure of love. Wouldst thou that thy wife should obey thee as the church doth Christ? Have care thyself for her, as Christ for the church.’”[2] Said another way, if the husband desires the wife’s godly submission, he must first submit wholly to Christ, for such is the scale by which the husband’s love should be determined.

A significant implication of the husband’s responsibility to love his wife as Christ loves the church is the negation of reciprocation (i.e. whether the wife responds to the husband in the same love and submission, the husband’s obligation to love his wife is not withdrawn under any circumstances, for Christ loves his bride no matter her obedience or disobedience). In a culture where concepts of love are often derived from popular entertainment, love is falsely seen as something that happens without work. Love, however, requires cultivation and intentional decisions (i.e. one loves because he or she makes a conscious effort to love; thus, it does not simply happen without trying). Such is certainly true in relationships that have had time to develop. When the honeymoon is finished, husbands and wives must cultivate their own love for each other and perpetually decide to love each other irrespective of what the other gives in return, for such love is what Christ demands of his people.

Paul extends an analogy to his readers in discussing Christ’s act of sanctifying his bride (Eph 5:26) and presenting her blameless (Eph 5:27). The Apostle’s analogy, however, does not suggest that the husband is capable of sanctifying his wife but rather that the husband is to love his wife in such a way that he serves her and seeks the best for her. A parallel may be drawn with how a bride prepares for her wedding. She desires to be seen as beautiful and without blemish. To Jesus, however, his bride may not be seen any more beautiful, for he has removed the stain of sin. The crucial element then is that Christ has done the work, not his bride.[3] In the same way, the husband is to serve his wife so that his acts ameliorate his bride’s life and standing. As Christ loved the church and gave himself for her, husbands are to do the same for their wives, which is a Christ-like servant leadership.

Husbands are to love wives as Christ loves the church, implying the most extreme measures of love that could ever exist. The example Christ sets is leadership through service. Submission, therefore, stems from all believers’ submission to Christ and then to each other and then from wives to husbands. If the husband submits first to Christ, his love for his wife will exceed human measure, for he will love his wife not because of what she does for him but irrespective of it. The husband will serve his wife and seek the best for her. Then the wife may submit without concern that her submission will impact her negatively. Husbands are to lead their wives through servant leadership, of which Christ is the ultimate model.

 

 

 

As the Church Is One with Christ, the Wife Is One with Her Husband (5:28-31)

The mystery of Paul’s words continues in his metaphors to the Church at Ephesus when he discusses husbands and wives as a body. The church exists as one body. Scripture, however, makes clear that the husband and wife also become one flesh (Gen 2:24). Therefore, as Christ and his people are one the husband and wife are also one. In a selfless act, husbands are to love their wives as their own bodies (Eph 5:28). While Paul’s argument is rooted in an action as to the Lord, here “he urges the husbands on the basis of something inferior, namely, their own body, not only from the superior, that is, their Lord.”[4] Analogizing one’s own body is perhaps more relatable to the common person so Paul takes such an approach in qualifying the husband’s responsibility to his wife.

The Apostle Paul contends that the husband should love his wife as Christ loves the church because, as Christ and his church are one, the husband is one with his wife through the divine union to which each party has committed. When the husband loves his wife, therefore, he loves his own body. An extreme scenario is then portrayed when the image is given of one hating his own body (Eph 5:29). Any sane person would not hate his own body but “nourishes and cherishes it” (Eph 5:29). Such is the same action Jesus takes toward his bride, the church. Thus, husbands are to love their wives as their own bodies, for the two are one.

One might argue that loving oneself is an act of selfishness and conceit. The use of the word, ἀγαπάω (agapao), however proves this is not the case. “A man should seek his own highest spiritual welfare, and so the highest good of his wife in every way, as united with himself in the marriage bond. His wife is not a person lower in social status, much less one over whom he has rights of ownership, but a part of himself.”[5] To love one’s wife as his own body is to love himself in the most unselfish manner. Moreover, to do so is to first love Christ, for Jesus is the ultimate model of such selfless love. If the husband submits first to Christ and then obeys his Lord by loving his wife, he is also loving himself but in a selfless rather than selfish way, for he is loving the one flesh he has made with his wife. This type of obedience holds its rhizomes in Christ’s ultimate model of love.

Paul’s words to the Ephesians here do not advance a new concept, for God has designed marriage to operate in this way since the beginnings of humanity (Gen 2:24). Paul, therefore, references the beginnings of marriage by quoting the Genesis text. Jewish culture would have certainly been familiar with the notion of a husband and wife becoming one so it was perhaps more relatable than the idea of leading through service. Servant leadership, much as it is today, runs against the currents of society. Leadership seems to often be linked to being served rather than serving. Jesus, however, flipped that model upside down and revealed leadership through service to others. Further, Jesus’ leadership was through serving his own bride by giving his life for her. The husband is to love his wife in such a way that his leadership extends from service. This is how Christ loves the church and how husbands are to love their wives.

Paul’s instructions center around the mystery of marriage and what it represents. It is taken with such seriousness that “it has been the ultimate bulwark of the church against the arguments for allowing polygamy to remain in the societies where she has met it; it is the ultimate argument against promiscuity; it is the ultimate reason why the church can have no pleasure in the dissolution of marriage by divorce.”[6] Even when approached about divorce, Jesus directed his response to God’s plan from the beginning (Matt 19:3-9, Mark 10:2-12). “Divorce may be allowed, but it is a decline from the divine purpose, and it can never be seen in any other light. The Lord gave no new teaching on the matter but directed his appeal back to this verse.”[7] For a marriage to exemplify Christ and his bride, the church, the husband must realize his own responsibility, for as the head, he is to love his wife as his own body, as Christ loves the church, and as unto the Lord.

When the perspective on obedience is that all decisions and actions proceed from obedience to the Lord, circumstances change dramatically. The pains and toils of marriage are misunderstood and magnified when marriage is seen as merely a benefit to oneself. The husband is to love his wife with no thought of return and without the expectation of reciprocation, for this is how Christ loves the church. As the ultimate model then, husbands are to love their wives in the same way. As the head, the husband is to lead his body (his wife) through service to her. Christ led through service. Therefore, the husband is to do the same, for he is one with his wife. Imitating Christ produces the husband’s servant leadership and exceeding love toward his bride.

 

The Mystery of Marriage Is Led by the Husband (5:32-33)

Jesus Christ took the world’s idea of leadership and flipped it on its head (i.e. God’s eternal kingdom does not match the world’s economy). In God’s frame of work, the first are last and the last first (Matt 20:16), he who loses his life finds it (Matt 16:25), and indeed, the goal is to serve rather than to be served (Matt 20:28, Mark 10:45). In the God-ordained order, the husband is the head and leader of the family. The husband’s role as leader, however, is to lead through service, for serving others is how Jesus Christ modeled leadership during his ministry on earth, and husbands are indeed to imitate Christ, a charge Paul gives just mere verses before discussing marriage (Eph 5:1). For the mystery of marriage (a picture of Christ and the church) to be exemplified accurately, the husband must lead in the manner of Christ: through service.

Paul offers the crux of his argument in verse 33 by saying that husbands should love wives as themselves and that wives should respect their husbands. Love and respect simplify the portrait of Christian marriage. When the husband loves the wife as Christ loves the church, he selflessly serves her and intentionally seeks her best interest; when the wife respects her husband, she follows his leadership; and indeed, when both the husband and wife submit to God first, they then mutually submit to one another in love. This is the ultimate picture of a godly and good marriage: love and respect.

Furthermore, the dynamics of such a marriage are led by the husband. The Apostle Paul suggests marriage to be a mystery since it alludes to Christ and the church. The word used for mystery is μυστήριον (mysterion). The word is derived from the root, muo, which means “to shut the mouth.”[8] “This word we have seen used for the great eternal secret of God’s purpose for mankind, hidden in the past but now revealed in Christ.”[9] The implication is something secretive or confined only to the initiated. The church is the initiated: the bride of Christ. The marriage union between Jesus and his bride is the most realistic marriage (i.e. Christ and the church is not a picture of human marriage; human marriage is a picture of Christ and the church). Thus, the mystery is dimly revealed to a watching world through Christian marriage. Additionally, in the same way, the husband’s leadership should illustrate that of Jesus Christ. Said another way, without the husband’s servant leadership, the mystery of marriage remains a secret, for the display is not that of Christ and the church.

While the mystery of marriage certainly includes wives, Paul’s focus for much of this text is the role of the husband. Ultimately, in failures of the family, the husband will be held accountable to a greater degree than the wife.[10] As such, the wife should respect the husband’s position and role and submit to his leadership, especially if such a man submits first to God and makes decisions that are not incompatible to Scripture. A man who offers decisions incompatible to God’s will should be overridden by the wife’s submission to God. If the husband, however, seeks God’s will and makes decisions upon the guidance of the Holy Spirit, even if the wife finds such decisions to violate her own desires, her task is to submit to his leadership, for his submission to the Lord overrides any desires of the flesh. Moreover, it is the husband who will be held accountable in his leadership of his family.

Paul’s words do not exclude either the husband or the wife but offer a greater liability to the husband. The mystery of marriage is profound in many respects. It is vital that Christian marriage do what God intended: namely portray Jesus Christ and his bride, the church. While the husband and wife each have precise roles to fulfill in such a display, the mystery is led by the husband. Therefore, whatever picture is portrayed through the marriage (either Christ and the church or the selfishness of fleshly desires), the husband’s remit is of utmost importance. His leadership, however, is not one of overbearing demands but of service to his wife, for serving is how Jesus Christ modeled leadership in his ministry on earth. Servant leadership is not weakness nor apathy but strength and humility. This is how the husband is to lead in displaying the mystery of marriage, for doing so is to lead as unto the Lord.

 

No Greater Love: Christ, the Ultimate Model of a Loving Husband

[In an article for Decision magazine], Samuel Kamaleson illustrates [the difficulty of submission] through a Christian folk story from South India… It opens with a young boy who loved to play marbles… His special blue marble… had won him many matches. During one walk he encountered a young girl who was eating a bag of chocolate candy… He thought to himself, “I have got to get my hands on those chocolates.” The boy proceeds to convince the girl to trade all her candy for all the marbles. He put his hand in his pocket, searching for the distinguishing cracks on the surface of the blue marble…[and] carefully pushed it to the bottom of his pocket. Having traded her all but his lucky marbles, he thought his plan was a success and turned to walk away. As he began to eat the candy, he suddenly turned to the girl and asked, “Hey, did you give me all the chocolates?” [You see,] our fallen nature persuades us to posture ourselves in the same deceptive and defiant attitude as the boy in this story. We want everything the kingdom of God has to offer… but we are unwilling to give up everything for it. Many times, there is a blue marble in our lives that we seem unwilling to offer to the control of Christ.[11]

Christ is the most superior example of love. He left nothing remaining in loving his bride. In the same way, Christian husbands should serve their wives in a selfless and sacrificial manner. As the role of the wife presupposes the husband’s submission to God, the husband’s role also presupposes the wife’s submission to God. Nonetheless, irrespective of reciprocation or benefit, the husband is called to love his wife as Christ loves the church, which means a sacrificial love even upon rejection, for such is how Christ loves his people. To do so, the husband cannot continue to lay claim to his blue marbles but must submit to God by offering himself as a servant to his wife. This is Christlike; this is leadership; this is loving the wife as to the Lord.

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[1] Richard J. Erickson, “Ephesians,” in Evangelical Commentary on the Bible, vol. 3, Baker Reference Library (Grand Rapids, MI: Baker Book House, 1995), 1031.

[2] Francis Foulkes, Ephesians: An Introduction and Commentary, vol. 10, Tyndale New Testament Commentaries (Downers Grove, IL: InterVarsity Press, 1989), 162.

[3] Ibid., 164.

[4] M.J. Edwards, ed., Galatians, Ephesians, Philippians, Ancient Christian Commentary on Scripture (Downers Grove, IL: InterVarsity Press, 1999), 197.

[5] Foulkes, 165.

[6] Ibid., 166.

[7] Ibid.

[8] Blue Letter Bible, Mysterion, https://www.blueletterbible.org/lexicon/g3466/esv/mgnt/0-1/.

[9] Foulkes, 167.

[10][10] This is not to suggest that the wife holds no responsibility but that the husband’s position as the head includes a higher level of culpability.

[11] Samuel T. Kamaleson, “Mangoes and Marbles,” Decision (January 1978), adapted in Christopher L. Heuertz, Simple Spirituality (Downers Grove, IL: IVP, 2008), 116-117.

AS TO THE LORD PART 2: THE SUBMISSION OF WIVES (EPHESIANS 5:21-24)

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AS TO THE LORD: THE SUBMISSION OF WIVES (EPHESIANS 5:21-24)

The late Ruth Bell Graham, wife of evangelist, Billy Graham, was once approached and asked if she or her husband had ever thought about divorce. She responded with, “Divorce? No. Murder? Yes.”[1] Marriage is a relationship based on a principle as simple as submission but convoluted by unsatisfied humanity, which is why it only works when true satisfaction is found in the Lord Jesus Christ. Marriage is submission. Where submission is not present is not only a failed marriage but a marriage that does not do what it should: display a picture of Christ and his bride, the church.

This series will be divided into three parts: 1) focusing on wives, 2) focusing on husbands, and 3) focusing on children and families and centering around the text in Ephesians 5:21-6:4. The common thread through the entire text is submission (first to God and then to each other). God has initiated a design for marriage that reflects his character, and it is not to be ignored, for doing so begs for failure. God-honoring marriages and families should conform to the instructions presented in Scripture.

This portion of the series deals with wives. Although wives are addressed first in the text, most of Paul’s instructions are delivered to husbands. Any wives prone to offense by Paul’s address, therefore, should take comfort in the fact that his address to husbands soon follows. The charge to wives centers around submission. Submission, however, is not to be considered a negative term or inferior action, for it is necessary among all believers. For the wife, the responsibility in a marriage is to, yes, submit to the husband but first to God. Likewise, the wife’s submission to her husband presupposes the husband’s submission to God so that her best interest is considered. In the text considered today (Ephesians 5:21-24), three key essentials may be pulled from Paul’s words.

1.      Gospel-family dynamics are founded upon submission to Christ;

2.      the wife’s submission is subsequent to submission to Christ; and

3.      the wife is a representation of the church.

These three elements are crucial to understanding various roles in marriage and especially the role of the wife.

 

Gospel-Family Dynamics are Founded upon Submission to Christ (5:21)

Prior to discussing the role of individual family members, Paul offers a basis for submission: namely the ultimate submission to Christ (i.e. all forms of human submission to one another are subsequent and governed by submission to Jesus). The Apostle Paul instructs the Church at Ephesus to submit to one another “out of reverence for Christ” (Eph 5:21). From this instruction then, a proceeding level of submission is given to believers. First, however, Christians should understand that submission to Christ supersedes any other form of submission, for Christ is the Christian’s ultimate authority.

Submission to Christ, nonetheless, does not imply a negation of human submission but a reason for it (i.e. believers should submit to one another out of obedience and respect for the Lord). Paul, in fact, even excludes conditions in submitting to one another when he instructs God’s people to give thanks to God always and “for everything” (Eph 5:20) before charging Christians to submit to one another. “He has implied in verse 19 that the enthusiasm that the Spirit inspires is not to be expressed individualistically, but in fellowship.”^[2] Therefore, no matter the difficulty or disdain for a brother or sister, God’s people are to submit to one another, for submission to Christ demands such action (John 14:15).

While most English translators render verse 21 as “out of reverence for Christ,” the Greek reads, “in the fear of Christ”[3] (ἐν φόβος or en phobos). Speaking to the Church at Ephesus, certainly, ancient Jewish culture would have understood the explicit command and concept of living life in the fear of God. Paul’s instruction then further clarifies the radical notion of the time that Jesus Christ is, in fact, God and God’s kingdom is Christ’s (Eph 5:5). Christians, therefore, should live in the kingdom God has instructed. As servants of God, Scripture’s demands aim for the body of Christ, the church, to be comprised of brothers and sisters who mutually submit to one another based upon their obedience and submission to Christ. Without first submitting to the Lord, it is not possible for God’s people to submit to one another.

Gospel-family dynamics, whether between husbands and wives or children and parents necessitate a model. That model is Jesus Christ in whom believers live and share faith and upon whom all family actions are founded. When believers do not submit to one another in love, they do not submit to Christ in obedience. In a cyclic manner, Christian submission first requires godly submission and then proceeds to mutual submission to one another. Without the antecedent of submission to God, not only is submission to one another impossible, one lives in disobedience and truly does not submit to God, for if believers submit to God, they will submit to one another as the result of such obedience.

Everything that occurs in the Christian faith requires a foundation, of which Jesus Christ is the most solid. To honor God in the dynamics of marriage and family, husbands, wives, and children must understand that there subsists such a basis in submitting to one another. Without the basis of submission to Christ, submission to each other is a futile effort. Submission to one another is a direct result of the Holy Spirit’s manifestation in individual lives. Paul offers the Fruit of the Spirit (Gal 5:22-23), which centers around human relationships. “They all concern our relationships. If we are filled with the Spirit, we shall be harmoniously related both to God (worshipping him with joy and thanksgiving) and to each other (speaking and submitting to one another).”^[4] Because of the Holy Spirit’s work in the lives of his people, relational undercurrents should be different from the pattern of the world. Indeed, Christian marriages and families should be viewed as vastly different from the standards of the world. The world does not submit to one another. Believers, contrarily, are commanded to submit to one another. To honor God in this way, Christians should exemplify the Fruit of the Spirit, which is the evidence of one changed by God. Submission to one another achieves this goal in humility and reverence for the Lord. Successful marriage and family dynamics then are dependent on submission to the Lord. Where submission to the Lord does not occur, Christians should immediately correct their trajectory so that submission to one another is derived from its basis: submission to the Lord.

Christian marriage[5] is vital to portraying the gospel. Christ’s bride is the church. Marriage is intended to display the glory of God through the Son and his bride, the church. While human relationships are surely imperfect because of sin, Jesus Christ covers such imperfections and allows his people the honor of displaying the beauty of himself and his bride. Believers then are to mirror the relationship between Jesus and the church, which is founded upon submission to Christ. Where God’s people first submit to Christ, they then submit to one another out of reverence for the Lord.

 

The Wife’s Submission Is Subsequent to Submission to Christ (5:22-24)

Paul continues the text by charging wives to submit to their husbands. Further, he places ownership of the wife’s submission by specifying their “own” (Eph 5:22) husbands (i.e. the Apostle Paul places the responsibility of submission to their husbands and no one else on wives). New Testament Jews held familiarity with household codes and constructs. “The domestic or household codes found in texts like Col 3:18-4:1 and 1 Pet 2:11-3:12 have their historical and social source in the Greek Philosopher and social scientist, Aristotle.”[6] Thus, Paul’s discussion of the body and the head resonated with Jewish culture.

The New Testament throughout emphasizes the dignity of womanhood, and it is an indisputable fact that the example and teaching of Christ have lifted women in one country and society after another to a position that they did not occupy before. Whereas in many great religions, not least in Judaism and Islam, women have a far lower place than men, the New Testament emphasizes their spiritual equality.[7]

A disparate approach from cultural norms, however, is the foundation upon which Paul’s argument is built, for the Apostle’s overarching teaching centers around the equality and complementary roles of individuals, especially men and women, husbands and wives (Gal 3:28). Paul contends, in his first letter to the Church at Corinth, that the wife belongs to the husband and the husband to the wife (1 Cor 7:4): a similar argument to that here in Ephesians regarding the body and the head, for one cannot function without the other, which points to a mutual submission. Paul’s focus in verses 22-24, however, is on the role of the wife. In marriage, the wife represents the church. Therefore, the wife is led, honored, and loved by the husband. Her role is not lesser than the husband’s but an equally important part of portraying the gospel.

Paul submits that a wife’s responsibility is more crucial than merely submitting to her husband, for the role of the wife is to submit chiefly to the Lord (5:24). To deny the responsibility of the wife to submit to her husband is to deny the model God has ordained. The Ephesians model for husbands and wives, however, does not diminish the importance of women but elevates it, for as Christ loves and serves his bride, a husband is to also love and serve his wife. The wife’s role as the body is vital to support the role of the husband as the head. The analogy, therefore, should not be viewed as a hierarchy but rather a mutual function of distinct roles.

Submission in the ancient world, unsurprisingly holds what is considered a negative implication to many today. William Barclay sums it up: “The Jews had a low view of women. In the Jewish form of morning prayer there was a sentence in which a Jewish man every morning gave thanks that God had not made him ‘a Gentile, a slave or a woman.’”[8] Paul’s meaning, however, should be measured against the predominant display he references in all his discussions of husbands and wives: Christ and the church. In such a case, the view of women is not low (i.e. wives are not subservient to husbands but are compatible partners in the gospel of Jesus Christ with differing roles from their husbands). To submit then does not mean to unquestionably obey without regard to Christ but rather, in response to Christ, to submit willingly to the husband’s leadership (who, in a godly marriage, also submits to Christ).

In a perfect display of Christ and the church, the wife understands to whom she submits first: namely Jesus Christ. The wife’s submission then is “out of reverence for Christ” (Eph 5:21) before respect for her husband. Thus, even if a wife finds it difficult to submit to her husband, she should not find it difficult to submit to the Lord. In submitting to the Lord then, the wife submits to her husband (i.e. the perspective is obedience to God rather than obedience to another person). The primary purpose of marriage is to display God’s glory through Christ and his bride, the church. The wife, therefore, offers a vital purpose in her role, for she portrays the church. As such, her submission is first to Christ and then to her husband as a demonstration of the church’s submission to Jesus.

 

The Wife Is a Representation of the Church (5:24)

A wife’s responsibility is first to submit to Christ. Paul seems to place emphasis on the superiority of submission to Christ. An instruction to submit to anyone is perhaps difficult for any person to accept. Thus, the Apostle Paul places an overruling demand on wives: “…as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands” (Eph 5:24). Such a command presupposes a godly relationship in which both wives and husbands submit to Christ and, therefore, submit to one another. In all cases, however, excluding those that demand sin, wives are to submit to their husbands not primarily out of obedience to him but out of obedience to Jesus Christ. The wife’s role is the body. As such, she is to submit to her husband, the head, and his leadership, for such a submission beautifully displays the position of the church in the divine marriage between Christ and his bride.

To submit in everything (5:24) “does not mean…that she is in the hands of one who has authority to command what he pleases. He is one whose duty to her is expressed in nothing short of the highest demand of self-giving love.”[9] While this type of loving relationship between a husband and wife is ideal (and demanded for God’s people), a wife, nonetheless, has the responsibility to submit to her husband with the governing caveat being as to the Lord. For a plurality of reasons, as difficult as it may be for some wives to submit to their husbands God has ordained them to marry, their first purpose is to obey God. When one’s focus is on obedience to the Lord, any other form of submission pales in comparison (i.e. even if a wife has a difficult time submitting to her husband, she should act in obedience to God, not to another person). The role of the wife is often tainted in Western culture. Paul discusses the concept of headship and submission causing many who read the text to ponder what is meant by such terms. John Stott explains:

To begin with, these words do not by themselves establish stereotypes of masculine and feminine behavior. Different cultures assign different tasks to men and women, husbands and wives. In the West, for example, it has long been conventional for the wife to do the shopping, cooking and cleaning, together with the feeding, bathing, nappy-changing and minding of babies. In many parts of Africa and Asia the women also work in the fields and carry heavy loads on their heads. Nowadays, however, and rightly, these conventions are recognized as cultural and are therefore being challenged and in some cases changed. Many couples are learning to share the household chores.[10]

Preconceived notions, thus, are not congruent with the biblical picture of husbands and wives. The biblical model involves the husband as the head and leader and the wife as the body and supporter. Beyond that description, a myriad of possibilities exist for how the marriage relationship functions practically.

The crucial element in the wife’s role is the representation of the church. God has called the wife to submit to the husband because the church submits to him. Since the primary purpose of human marriage is to offer a picture of the church and Jesus Christ, the wife should embrace her role as one who submits to her husband, for this submission perfectly displays how the church is to submit to her Lord. The wife’s role, therefore, is not less than that of the husband’s and does not diminish the woman’s importance but rather elevates the realization of how believers should operate in relation to Jesus Christ. The wife represents the church, the people for whom Jesus Christ died and loves. As such, the wife is exceedingly crucial and irreplaceable to marriage, for she represents a distinct body which only a woman and wife may represent.

 

A Perfect Display: The Wife’s Submission to God

At the outset of the film, The Princess Bride, a poor farm boy named Westley is constantly ordered around by Buttercup. She tells him to shine her saddle or bring water to the house. All he says in response is, “As you wish.” Later in the film, she goes so far as to push him off a hill and tell him to die. You can hear him yelling all the way down the hill, “As you wish!” While Westley survives and things work out between the two, the phrase, “as you wish,” should ring in our ears. It is a phrase of submission, of dying to our own will, and obeying the will or authority of someone around us, and we do this every day. We submit to teachers by doing our homework; we submit to the law by following the speed limit; but as Christians, we are called to submit first to Christ and second to all other Christians.

Christian relationships, as seen in 5:21, are based upon mutual submission to one another and especially marriage. A marriage may not be successful without submission to each other and certainly without a primary submission to God. Husbands and wives display a picture: the husband as Christ and the wife as the church. As a display of the church, the wife is to submit to the husband as the church submits to Jesus Christ. She is not inferior but submits as to the Lord, for this is what he has commanded. In doing so, she honors God and displays what the church is to be to the Lord Jesus. Her submission then is to be praised, for her obedience realizes an eternal marriage: Christ and his church.

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[1] Catherine Klasne, “Divorce? No. Murder? Yes,” UWWM, n.d., https://www.uww-adr.com/uncategorized/divorce-no-murder-yes#:~:text=The%20late%20Ruth%20Bell%20Graham,Murder%3F.

^[2] Francis Foulkes, Ephesians: An Introduction and Commentary, vol. 10, Tyndale New Testament Commentaries (Downers Grove, IL: InterVarsity Press, 1989), 157.

[3] John R. W. Stott, God’s New Society: The Message of Ephesians (The Bible Speaks Today. Downers Grove, IL: InterVarsity Press, 1979), 208.

^[4] John R. W. Stott, God’s New Society: The Message of Ephesians, The Bible Speaks Today (Downers Grove, IL: InterVarsity Press, 1979), 208.

[5] This term should not imply that there exists any other type of marriage, for God defines marriage as the union between one man and one woman. No exceptions are made to this union. Moreover, even among unbelieving spouses, God’s design for marriage is one man and one woman so all marriage subsists in such a context, and anything outside of those bounds is not marriage, according to God’s design in Scripture.

[6] Kelvin F. Mutter, “Ephesians 5:21-33 as Christian Alternative Discourse,” Trinity Journal, 39 (18): 8.

[7] Foulkes, 159-160.

[8] Stott, 224.

[9] Foulkes, 162.

[10] Stott, 225.