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AS TO THE LORD: THE SERVANT LEADERSHIP OF HUSBANDS (EPHESIANS 5:25-33)
In the second part of this series on marriage, Paul’s address to husbands will be examined. Appropriately, as the head of the family, husbands are devoted a greater portion of the text since certainly, the husband holds a greater level of accountability. Paul’s instructions here point to the husband’s role as a leader but as a leader who imitates Christ and, thus, leads through serving, for this is how Christ led his people in his earthly ministry.
Paul’s instructions are explicit: the husband is to love
his wife as Christ loves the church. The implicit idea is that Christ gave all
for his bride and left nothing in doing so: he gave his life. The husband’s
leadership is imperative to any successful marriage. As such, the husband
should carefully consider what it means to 1) submit to God and 2) lead his
family through serving as Christ has modeled. Paul submits that marriage is a
mystery, for the union portrays Christ and the church. The husband then should
seek to imitate Christ in how he handles his marriage. In Ephesians 5:25-33,
three conclusions may be drawn from the text that revolve around the husband’s
role as a servant leader.
1.
Christ is the ultimate model for husbands;
2.
as the church is one with Christ, the wife is
one with her husband; and
3.
the mystery of marriage is led by the husband.
These truths resonate in a godly
marriage, which is precisely that for which husbands should strive.
Christ
Is the Ultimate Model for Husbands (5:25-57)
Godly family dynamics are based upon mutual submission in
the body of Christ. All parties of the family hold particular responsibilities
so Paul circles around to the husbands and not surprisingly devotes more text
to husbands than wives since the husband is emphasized as the head of the
family (Eph 5:23). In a similar manner to Paul’s instructions to the wife, he
offers Christ as the model
for godly husbands. The crucial element in submission to anyone is submission
to Christ. “The chief threat in submitting to another person
is the fear of being manipulated or mistreated by that person. There is no such
cause for fear with Christ; his is tender guidance, not raw authority.”[1]
Such is the underlying reason submission to one another is subsequent to
submission to Christ.
Paul focuses primarily on the role of husbands
in loving their wives out of obedience to Christ. Without excuse, the husband
is charged to love his wife as Christ has loved the church. There subsists no
shortage of implications in such a command, for Christ spared nothing in loving
the church, even offering his life as a sacrifice on her behalf while she
rejected him (Rom 5:8). “[John] Chrysostom [(c. 347 – 407 AD)] puts it, ‘Hast
thou seen the measure of obedience? Hear also the measure of love. Wouldst thou
that thy wife should obey thee as the church doth Christ? Have care thyself for
her, as Christ for the church.’”[2]
Said another way, if the husband desires the wife’s godly submission, he must
first submit wholly to Christ, for such is the scale by which the husband’s
love should be determined.
A significant implication of the husband’s
responsibility to love his wife as Christ loves the church is the negation of
reciprocation (i.e. whether the wife responds to the husband in the same love
and submission, the husband’s obligation to love his wife is not withdrawn
under any circumstances, for Christ loves his bride no matter her obedience or disobedience).
In a culture where concepts of love are often derived from popular
entertainment, love is falsely seen as something that happens without work. Love,
however, requires cultivation and intentional decisions (i.e. one loves because
he or she makes a conscious effort to love; thus, it does not simply happen
without trying). Such is certainly true in relationships that have had time to
develop. When the honeymoon is finished, husbands and wives must cultivate
their own love for each other and perpetually decide to love each other
irrespective of what the other gives in return, for such love is what Christ
demands of his people.
Paul extends an analogy to his readers in
discussing Christ’s act of sanctifying his bride (Eph 5:26) and presenting her
blameless (Eph 5:27). The Apostle’s analogy, however, does not suggest that the
husband is capable of sanctifying his wife but rather that the husband is to
love his wife in such a way that he serves her and seeks the best for her. A
parallel may be drawn with how a bride prepares for her wedding. She desires to
be seen as beautiful and without blemish. To Jesus, however, his bride may not
be seen any more beautiful, for he has removed the stain of sin. The crucial
element then is that Christ has done the work, not his bride.[3]
In the same way, the husband is to serve his wife so that his acts ameliorate
his bride’s life and standing. As Christ loved the church and gave himself for
her, husbands are to do the same for their wives, which is a Christ-like
servant leadership.
Husbands are to love wives as Christ loves the
church, implying the most extreme measures of love that could ever exist. The
example Christ sets is leadership through service. Submission, therefore, stems
from all believers’ submission to Christ and then to each other and then from
wives to husbands. If the husband submits first to Christ, his love for his
wife will exceed human measure, for he will love his wife not because of what
she does for him but irrespective of it. The husband will serve his wife and
seek the best for her. Then the wife may submit without concern that her
submission will impact her negatively. Husbands are to lead their wives through
servant leadership, of which Christ is the ultimate model.
As the Church Is One with Christ, the Wife Is
One with Her Husband (5:28-31)
The mystery of Paul’s words continues in his
metaphors to the Church at Ephesus when he discusses husbands and wives as a
body. The church exists as one body. Scripture, however, makes clear that the
husband and wife also become one flesh (Gen 2:24). Therefore, as Christ and his
people are one the husband and wife are also one. In a selfless act, husbands
are to love their wives as their own bodies (Eph 5:28). While Paul’s argument
is rooted in an action as to the Lord, here “he urges the husbands on the basis
of something inferior, namely, their own body, not only from the superior, that
is, their Lord.”[4] Analogizing
one’s own body is perhaps more relatable to the common person so Paul takes
such an approach in qualifying the husband’s responsibility to his wife.
The Apostle Paul contends that the husband
should love his wife as Christ loves the church because, as Christ and his
church are one, the husband is one with his wife through the divine union to
which each party has committed. When the husband loves his wife, therefore, he
loves his own body. An extreme scenario is then portrayed when the image is
given of one hating his own body (Eph 5:29). Any sane person would not hate his
own body but “nourishes and cherishes it” (Eph 5:29). Such is the same action Jesus
takes toward his bride, the church. Thus, husbands are to love their wives as
their own bodies, for the two are one.
One might argue that loving oneself is an act of
selfishness and conceit. The use of the word, ἀγαπάω
(agapao), however proves this is not the case. “A man should seek his own highest spiritual
welfare, and so the highest good of his wife in every way, as united with
himself in the marriage bond. His wife is not a person lower in social status,
much less one over whom he has rights of ownership, but a part of himself.”[5]
To love one’s wife as his own body is to love himself in the most unselfish
manner. Moreover, to do so is to first love Christ, for Jesus is the ultimate
model of such selfless love. If the husband submits first to Christ and then
obeys his Lord by loving his wife, he is also loving himself but in a selfless
rather than selfish way, for he is loving the one flesh he has made with his
wife. This type of obedience holds its rhizomes in Christ’s ultimate model of
love.
Paul’s words to the Ephesians here do not
advance a new concept, for God has designed marriage to operate in this way
since the beginnings of humanity (Gen 2:24). Paul, therefore, references the
beginnings of marriage by quoting the Genesis text. Jewish culture would have
certainly been familiar with the notion of a husband and wife becoming one so
it was perhaps more relatable than the idea of leading through service. Servant
leadership, much as it is today, runs against the currents of society.
Leadership seems to often be linked to being served rather than serving. Jesus,
however, flipped that model upside down and revealed leadership through service
to others. Further, Jesus’ leadership was through serving his own bride by
giving his life for her. The husband is to love his wife in such a way that his
leadership extends from service. This is how Christ loves the church and how
husbands are to love their wives.
Paul’s instructions center around the mystery of
marriage and what it represents. It is taken with such seriousness that “it has
been the ultimate bulwark of the church against the arguments for allowing
polygamy to remain in the societies where she has met it; it is the ultimate
argument against promiscuity; it is the ultimate reason why the church can have
no pleasure in the dissolution of marriage by divorce.”[6]
Even when approached about divorce, Jesus directed his response to God’s plan
from the beginning (Matt 19:3-9, Mark 10:2-12). “Divorce may be allowed, but it
is a decline from the divine purpose, and it can never be seen in any other
light. The Lord gave no new teaching on the matter but directed his appeal back
to this verse.”[7]
For a marriage to exemplify Christ and his bride, the church, the husband must
realize his own responsibility, for as the head, he is to love his wife as his
own body, as Christ loves the church, and as unto the Lord.
When the perspective on obedience is that all
decisions and actions proceed from obedience to the Lord, circumstances change
dramatically. The pains and toils of marriage are misunderstood and magnified
when marriage is seen as merely a benefit to oneself. The husband is to love
his wife with no thought of return and without the expectation of
reciprocation, for this is how Christ loves the church. As the ultimate model
then, husbands are to love their wives in the same way. As the head, the
husband is to lead his body (his wife) through service to her. Christ led
through service. Therefore, the husband is to do the same, for he is one with
his wife. Imitating Christ produces the husband’s servant leadership and
exceeding love toward his bride.
The Mystery of Marriage Is Led by the Husband (5:32-33)
Jesus Christ took the world’s idea of leadership
and flipped it on its head (i.e. God’s eternal kingdom does not match the
world’s economy). In God’s frame of work, the first are last and the last first
(Matt 20:16), he who loses his life finds it (Matt 16:25), and indeed, the goal
is to serve rather than to be served (Matt 20:28, Mark 10:45). In the
God-ordained order, the husband is the head and leader of the family. The
husband’s role as leader, however, is to lead through service, for serving
others is how Jesus Christ modeled leadership during his ministry on earth, and
husbands are indeed to imitate Christ, a charge Paul gives just mere verses
before discussing marriage (Eph 5:1). For the mystery of marriage (a picture of
Christ and the church) to be exemplified accurately, the husband must lead in
the manner of Christ: through service.
Paul offers the crux of his argument in verse 33
by saying that husbands should love wives as themselves and that wives should
respect their husbands. Love and respect simplify the portrait of Christian
marriage. When the husband loves the wife as Christ loves the church, he
selflessly serves her and intentionally seeks her best interest; when the wife
respects her husband, she follows his leadership; and indeed, when both the
husband and wife submit to God first, they then mutually submit to one another
in love. This is the ultimate picture of a godly and good marriage: love and
respect.
Furthermore, the dynamics of such a marriage are
led by the husband. The Apostle Paul suggests marriage to be a mystery since it
alludes to Christ and the church. The word used for mystery is μυστήριον (mysterion). The word is derived from the
root, muo, which means “to shut the mouth.”[8]
“This word we have seen used for the great
eternal secret of God’s purpose for mankind, hidden in the past but now
revealed in Christ.”[9]
The implication is something secretive or confined only to the initiated. The
church is the initiated: the bride of Christ. The marriage union between Jesus
and his bride is the most realistic marriage (i.e. Christ and the church is not
a picture of human marriage; human marriage is a picture of Christ and the
church). Thus, the mystery is dimly revealed to a watching world through
Christian marriage. Additionally, in the same way, the husband’s leadership
should illustrate that of Jesus Christ. Said another
way, without the husband’s servant leadership, the mystery of marriage remains
a secret, for the display is not that of Christ and the church.
While the mystery of marriage certainly includes
wives, Paul’s focus for much of this text is the role of the husband.
Ultimately, in failures of the family, the husband will be held accountable to
a greater degree than the wife.[10]
As such, the wife should respect the husband’s position and role and submit to
his leadership, especially if such a man submits first to God and makes
decisions that are not incompatible to Scripture. A man who offers decisions
incompatible to God’s will should be overridden by the wife’s submission to
God. If the husband, however, seeks God’s will and makes decisions upon the
guidance of the Holy Spirit, even if the wife finds such decisions to violate
her own desires, her task is to submit to his leadership, for his submission to
the Lord overrides any desires of the flesh. Moreover, it is the husband who
will be held accountable in his leadership of his family.
Paul’s words do not exclude either the husband
or the wife but offer a greater liability to the husband. The mystery of
marriage is profound in many respects. It is vital that Christian marriage do
what God intended: namely portray Jesus Christ and his bride, the church. While
the husband and wife each have precise roles to fulfill in such a display, the
mystery is led by the husband. Therefore, whatever picture is portrayed through
the marriage (either Christ and the church or the selfishness of fleshly desires),
the husband’s remit is of utmost importance. His leadership, however, is not
one of overbearing demands but of service to his wife, for serving is how Jesus
Christ modeled leadership in his ministry on earth. Servant leadership is not
weakness nor apathy but strength and humility. This is how the husband is to
lead in displaying the mystery of marriage, for doing so is to lead as unto the
Lord.
No Greater Love: Christ, the Ultimate Model of a
Loving Husband
[In an article for Decision magazine], Samuel Kamaleson
illustrates [the difficulty of submission] through a Christian folk
story from South India… It opens with a young boy who loved to play
marbles… His special blue marble… had won him many matches. During one walk he
encountered a young girl who was eating a bag of chocolate candy… He thought to
himself, “I have got to get my hands on those chocolates.” The boy proceeds to
convince the girl to trade all her candy for all the marbles. He put his hand
in his pocket, searching for the distinguishing cracks on the surface of the
blue marble…[and] carefully pushed it to the bottom of his pocket. Having
traded her all but his lucky marbles, he thought his plan was a success and
turned to walk away. As he began to eat the candy, he suddenly turned to the
girl and asked, “Hey, did you give me all the chocolates?” [You see,] our
fallen nature persuades us to posture ourselves in the same deceptive and
defiant attitude as the boy in this story. We want everything the kingdom of
God has to offer… but we are unwilling to give up everything for it. Many times,
there is a blue marble in our lives that we seem unwilling to offer to the
control of Christ.[11]
Christ is the most superior example of love. He
left nothing remaining in loving his bride. In the same way, Christian husbands
should serve their wives in a selfless and sacrificial manner. As the role of
the wife presupposes the husband’s submission to God, the husband’s role also presupposes
the wife’s submission to God. Nonetheless, irrespective of reciprocation or
benefit, the husband is called to love his wife as Christ loves the church,
which means a sacrificial love even upon rejection, for such is how Christ
loves his people. To do so, the husband cannot continue to lay claim to his
blue marbles but must submit to God by offering himself as a servant to his
wife. This is Christlike; this is leadership; this is loving the wife as to the
Lord.
[1] Richard
J. Erickson, “Ephesians,”
in Evangelical Commentary on the Bible,
vol. 3, Baker Reference Library (Grand Rapids, MI: Baker Book House, 1995),
1031.
[2] Francis Foulkes, Ephesians: An Introduction and Commentary, vol.
10, Tyndale New Testament Commentaries (Downers Grove, IL: InterVarsity Press,
1989), 162.
[3] Ibid., 164.
[4] M.J.
Edwards, ed., Galatians,
Ephesians, Philippians, Ancient Christian Commentary on Scripture
(Downers Grove, IL: InterVarsity Press, 1999), 197.
[5] Foulkes, 165.
[6] Ibid., 166.
[7] Ibid.
[8] Blue Letter Bible, Mysterion,
https://www.blueletterbible.org/lexicon/g3466/esv/mgnt/0-1/.
[9] Foulkes, 167.
[10][10] This
is not to suggest that the wife holds no responsibility but that the husband’s
position as the head includes a higher level of culpability.
[11] Samuel T. Kamaleson, “Mangoes and Marbles,” Decision
(January 1978), adapted in Christopher L. Heuertz, Simple Spirituality (Downers
Grove, IL: IVP, 2008), 116-117.
