The Church Enables Lies of Abuse More than Abuse: A Response to Gary Thomas
Author Gary
Thomas recently published an article entitled “Enough Is Enough: Why the Church
Has to Stop Enabling Abusive Men.” I find it interesting that he says nothing
about abusive women which likely exists far more than people realize. I am
responding to his article perhaps from a disparate perspective other than his
own. To make a long story short, I was married to a woman who cheated and left
me for another man. I later discovered that she accused me of abusing her not
only verbally and emotionally but also physically. I was astonished at the
magnitude of that lie. I have not remarried since then, but I was engaged for a
period of time. It is not the only engagement that has been broken off, but
again I was astonished to discover that my ex fiancé told people she was afraid
I was going to kill her. In both of these situations, what they said contrasted
everything they ever said to me and about me for the entirety of our relationship,
and I never gave any indication I would ever do anything to hurt them in any
way. After replaying the events of our relationship and considering why they
might have said such things and after much struggle with it, I concluded that I
was very good to them, said kind things to them, treated them incredibly good
even when I might have had more reason to claim verbal abuse, and they were
either delusional or trying to save face. Either way, it was wrong. There is
not a perfect relationship because there is not a perfect person, but there are
some who are more willing to commit than others. In my situation, at the first
sign of any significant or insignificant trouble, they bailed. I think this is
more common than people realize. This is the approach I am coming from. Gary
Thomas’ article might have done more damage than good. It seems to me that more
and more the church is not enabling abusive men but rather women who lie about
abusive.
The Bible Says It, Not Us
Thomas
makes the point that women need to be protected from grotesque abuse. I would
not disagree, and most wouldn’t either. However, he goes on to say, “…if
divorce is the only weapon to protect her, then the church should thank God
such a weapon exists.” First of all, this concept is nowhere in the Bible. As
far as can be seen in Scripture, there are two grounds for divorce. Jesus
permits it in the case of unfaithfulness (meaning sexual unfaithfulness), and
Paul gives allowance in case of abandonment. Some interpret abuse as
abandonment, but that is a stretch with little biblical backup. Some lump lust
into unfaithfulness as well which again is a stretch. What Gary Thomas says
here is a matter of his very emotional and just anger toward abusers. He
rightly feels that way. What he says though is contrary to Scripture. Many of
us who view things this way struggle with why abuse is not mentioned in the
Bible. Whatever the case, it is not. I will discuss this more later, but this
does not mean to support or abuse nor stay in the same house with an abusive
spouse. If you disagree with the biblical grounds for divorce, you disagree
with the Bible, not those of us who try to obey it. I believe Thomas is wrong in
this assumption.
Unhappiness Is Relative and Not Biblical Grounds for Divorce
Thomas
quotes a wife who asked, “So I’ve just got to accept what’s happening in my
marriage, right?” I think anyone would answer no to that question, but Thomas
takes it a step further by saying, “If the cost of saving a marriage is
destroying a woman, the cost is too high.” I would like him to tell that to
Jesus Christ who destroyed himself to save a marriage, namely the marriage between
the Son and his bride, the church. Christ and the church is the ultimate model
for marriage, and earthly marriages are but pictures of that marriage. My
ex-wife told me before leaving that she knew she was wrong but that she
believed God wanted her to be happy and she should not have to work hard at
loving me. First of all, that is nowhere in the Bible. Secondly, there is no
biblical concept that God wants us happy except that our joy is found only in
him. A big problem is using the unhappiness argument is that happiness is
relative. Thomas says, “Jesus said what he said about divorce to protect women,
not imprison them.” He derives this from history and the culture of the time.
Nevertheless, it is not backed up biblically. The fact is he said it like it or
not. It was allowed in that day for men to divorce their wives for very minimal
reasons. Jesus clarified and gave only one acceptable reason though. We can
either obey what he said or make excuses and try to explain it away. This is
not to say that many situations would be difficult to stay in. Most of us would
not blame a spouse for leaving some situations, but Jesus made it very clear
what is acceptable and what is not. Using happiness as a standard for marriage
cheapens what the relationship represents. Any form of unhappiness is not a
biblical grounds for divorce.
Women Are Abused: Personal Experience Says Otherwise
I mentioned
my personal experience earlier. Not to discredit real situations of abuse, but in
my experience, far too many women make accusations of it. This has not only
happened with me but also with other godly men I know, and the fact is that
women have the advantage. They are often believed far more than men. For Gary
Thomas to post an article like this is to encourage women to exaggerate
anything negative thing that happens in their marriage and turn it into abuse
to gain the sympathy of those around them. It is a difficult situation for a
man who is falsely accused of abuse. I have even heard comments like this: “Maybe
you should examine yourself because you either chase after intensely deceitful
women or you are an abuser in denial.” If you think through the logic of that
statement after what I have said, you realize that opinions are already drawn
on the issue and men are at a disadvantage when they are accused of abuse.
Fortunately I handled my situations well and people knew better than to think I
would ever hurt anyone. I never as much as even raise my voice. Other men I
know went through similar situations, and people eventually saw these women for
what they were: liars. No one is perfect. However, to exaggerate the truth or
even create a malicious lie to save face is incredibly wrong.
What Should an Abused Spouse Do?
Biblical
grounds for divorce is not a mandate. Someone recently disagreed with me on
this. In fact, if we follow the example of Christ, we give till we have nothing
left for marriage. Christ did not divorce his spouse, the church, even when we
rejected him and were unfaithful to him. Divorce too often becomes the easy way
out. The tendency is to try to make it seem like everything was tried to work
through it, but was it really? Did you give the best until there was nothing
left? Usually, no matter how it seems, you did not.
What is a spouse to do if they are
truly abused then? This is a very relevant and important question. If there are
no biblical grounds for divorce, should a spouse stay in their marriage. I
suggest that staying in a marriage and staying safe are two different things.
Staying in a marriage does not mean staying in the same house. There are times
when a spouse likely should leave and particularly in times of physical abuse.
Make sure that you and your family are safe from the abuser. This does not mean
automatically file for divorce though. If Christ is the model, make sure you do
everything possible to work through the marriage. Whether or not you have is
between you and God. Safety is the key issue here though. Leave, but do
everything possible to avoid divorce. Sometimes it is inevitable unfortunately,
but make sure you honor God in your commitment first and foremost.
Conclusion
In writing
this, I believe Gary Thomas comes from a passionate and concerned perspective.
He is concerned for women who are abused and facing very difficult situations
and rightly so. I am also concerned for those woman and men who face the same
things as well. I am trying to take a biblical approach more than an
emotionally driven one though. For those who wrongly left a spouse, there is
forgiveness, and Christians should offer it as well. However, the church should
not stop fighting for the institution of marriage. It is so important. I do not
see the church enabling abusive men but more than that enabling women who lie
about abuse. We need to be people of the light and honor the institution of
marriage as well as protect those who are endanger. The two are compatible. God
is honored when lives are changed and imperfect marriages between imperfect
people made whole.
